Easterly University of Northerly Ontario (formally Westward University of Southward Ontario) Professor of Lidarology R. J. Sica was called in by the Provost who had a most unusual problem. “We don’t understand it, but this winter students have been dropping like flies on campus during the day, particularly during the 10 min periods between class changes. Since your Department has all the brains in this place we thought you could solve the mystery.”

Prof. Sica replied he would get to the bottom of it, because frankly he really had nothing else to do in his cushy position except for occasionally diving out of the wall of falling valances. Here is part of the Executive Summary of his final report, which you can view in its entirety here.

Students were observed moving between classes. I notice a large fraction of one of the genders had Canada Goose South Pole Expedition parkas on. Having lived in interior Alaska for several long, cold, dark winters, I knew that these coats were typically uncomfortably warm in Fairbanks during January, when the average temperature was –25C. This winter the temperature seldom got down to +5C. However, as I watched the weak collapse in the herd of students leaving Nat Sci 145 I observed that not all the students in the parkas dropped. I had to be missing something. Then it came to me. The parkas were generating an additional 1000 W of body heat, but when worn with heels the excess heat could dump to the ground through the feet. The students who dropped were all wearing Uggs with the coats. The combination of the Canada Goose Expedition Parkas, Uggs and balmy temperatures were the perfect negative storm, producing temperatures equivalent to solar chromosphere near the body of the wearer.

These results were verified by Crow Emily, shown here standing barefoot in the Eureka, NWT as part of a 30 min experiment to determine if she would get cold or not. Funny, I haven’t heard anything back from her yet?